Moving July 2, 2009

So…. how are you?  Long time, I know.

I was diagnosed with post-partum depression in March and it’s been a heckuva battle to keep my head above water.  Thus, I’ve had little to really write – and even less energy to write it.

But things are turning around, and I thank you for keeping tabs on my progress!

Since this was really a blog about my pregnancy, I’m going to transition to a new blog, more focused on parenting, called Wigglet McFancyPants.  Please head on over to continue the saga of me and my family, as we wander bravely through life, only occasionally bumping into things and stubbing our toes.

Hope to see you there!

Amelia talks it out March 17, 2009

Since I have had little to say for myself lately and even less time to say it in, I thought I’d let Amelia say her piece.

There’s a long pause there in which she’s considering her phrasing.

Get up, Stand up February 25, 2009

One of Amelia’s favorite gmes right now is to be pulled into a standing position and held there – frequently just with us supporting her hands!  She’s starting to get a much longer gaze, so I think that’s why she enjoys standing up so much – it gives her so much more to look at!  But also she really enjoys using her leg and core muscles, it’s clear.

Sorry for the turned-on-its-side video – if anyone can tell me how to rotate it, I’d be grateful!

The nanny February 17, 2009

Amelia will spend 4 hours with our nanny share nanny, Janet, today: from 8 am to noon.  Both Tom and I drove in to drop her off at the nanny share house in South Austin, but we left a 7 am and hit nearly no traffic, so we got there way early.  I took Amelia and drove her around the neighborhood for 30 minutes and Tom went on to work.  Amelia was really good in the car – even though she woke up repeatedly from my rush hour stops and starts, she didn’t cry at all.
Janet is a nice older woman who retired from a job at an accounting firm quite a few years ago and discovered that she wanted something to do, so she decided to take care of babies.  She had 5 kids of her own and has cared for Seville, the other baby in the nanny share, from when she was 3 months old until now, when she is 7 months old.  Seville is a sweet girl, just getting into crawling now, and her mom is very nice as well.

It’s a lot less expensive to do a nanny share, I’ve learned, than hire a full-time nanny to come to our house, which we could never afford even if we were both working full time.  And this way, Amelia gets cared for by one person reliably, and that one person only has one other child to care for.  We’re only doing part-time, 8 to noon 5 days a week, with the thought that this way whoever is working from home can actually get a little work done in the morning.  Of course, whoever is working from the office will be late to work (dropping off at 8 in South Austin translates into arriving at work around 8:30 or 8:45 on a GOOD day of Austin traffic).

Our current plan is that whoever’s working from the office in the morning takes Amelia into town and drops her off with Janet.  Then whoever’s working from home drives into town and picks her up at noon.  We can manage the cost of the nanny share if Tom can pick up another 10 hours of work a week, which should be easy enough as they’ve still got him running jobs right now and there always seems like there’s more work for him to do.  Also, he always has deadlines at the end of the day (when Amelia is at her fussiest) and that just doesn’t work at all.

I’m still a little numb about it, though I do feel some sadness about leaving our daughter with a stranger, no matter how dedicated, kind and loving that stranger seems.  It’s just SO difficult to be even slightly productive when you’ve got the baby with you home alone, and we’ve both been run very ragged in the last 6 weeks.

So we’re trying this out for a week to see how we all do.  I hope it works and I hope it doesn’t.  I’m worried that I’m giving up my principles re: “I don’t want to have a baby and give her to someone else to raise,” and that soon we’ll be leaving Amelia with Janet full time.  Which we might just barely be able to afford, with one of our salaries going directly to pay for childcare, matching the prevalent  paradigm of middle class parents of young children.  One of us staying home full time would NOT pay the bills, unfortunately, and in this rocky economy I’m loathe for either of us to voluntarily give up a good job.

It’s just very disappointing that we couldn’t make the working-from-home/caring for baby synchronized swim work well enough.  And we both worry that we’re failing our daughter.  Sigh.

Janet called with an update around 10 am:  Amelia had spent a very fun morning playing with Seville!  She loved the buzzy chair that Seville has outgrown and hadn’t cried once all morning.  She had drunk a little milk and was fast asleep in the chair when Janet called.  Oddly enough, her phone call brought me to tears more than driving away from the house did this morning.

Cause and effect February 10, 2009

We hadn’t put Amelia on the play mat much lately, because with the acid reflux we’re supposed to keep her elevated all the time.  Today, though, I rigged up a little backrest for her so she could practice her kicking.

This play mat, lent to us by Les Blases (the unfailingly kind and inspiring) is one that helps teach baby about cause and effect through a setting that only plays the music and blinks the lights if one of its dangly bits is pulled or if one of its supports is kicked.

Amelia prefers kicking at this point – she is still keeping her hands in fists just in case a bar fight suddenly breaks out – and has gotten really good at keeping the music playing with pretty regular kicking of the giraffe.

Those noises she is making, while super-cute, are actually her cues that “I’m bored of doing this now and plan to start crying in a few minutes!”  It’s nice that she’ll warn us of an upcoming explosion these days… sometimes.

the skinny February 8, 2009

Many things have happened due to the strict diet I’ve put myself on (no dairy, soy, wheat, nuts, beans, gassifying veg or high acid foods) for the past month or so. I don’t eat out any more. Ergo, I cook a lot. I eat a lot of meat and oatmeal and rice. Variety in my diet has ebbed alarmingly. And I’m losing weight like a fiend.

Seriously, jeans that I haven’t been able to wear for 2 years (good thing I’m a pack-rat, as one friend pointed out) are LOOSE on me. This is the most dramatic weight loss I’ve ever experienced when not in break-up recovery, and I’m not even exercising! Don’t get me wrong – as soon as I think the tyrant can handle a more expanded diet on my part, I’ll be eating lentils, cheese, edamame, tomatoes and broccoli again (though probably not all at once), but for now I am basking in my slimmer hips and thighs. A belly persists – a kind of mommy medal of honor I suppose.

I’m not running out to buy new clothes yet – I’m enjoying how loose my jeans are right now, thanks – but I’m actually feeling a little guilty for how pleased I am with the weight loss. Seems like I should stoically accept it, as I have stoically taken on the queer dietary restrictions. Mostly I guess it seems inappropriate to exult in a happy side effect of our trying to resolve our daughter’s pain.

(That being said, I will express a teensy-tiny yay. Don’t tell.)

What Amelia Needs February 7, 2009

Amelia loves it when I sing to her. It’s pretty great to finally be able to identify her likes and dislikes, now that she’s older and in less pain. She really enjoys Cole Porter songs, Bob Marley, and Texas Swing tunes. Some hits include “My Heart Belongs To Daddy,” “Get Up, Stand Up,” and “I’m From Texas Too.”

This is what she looks like when you sing to her.

Recently I made up a little song for her that she likes very much, as well. Here are the lyrics:

What Amelia needs, what Amelia needs is kisses (kiss, kiss), kisses (kiss, kiss)

What Amelia needs, what Amelia needs is kisses (kiss, kiss), kisses (kiss, kiss)

She doesn’t need to eat at Joe’s,

She doesn’t need to touch her toes,

She doesn’t need to buy a suit,

She doesn’t need to play the flute!

What Amelia needs, what Amelia needs is kisses (kiss, kiss), kisses (kiss, kiss)

What Amelia needs, what Amelia needs is kisses (kiss, kiss), kisses (kiss, kiss)

She doesn’t need to build a house,

She doesn’t need to catch a mouse,

She doesn’t need to learn judo,

She doesn’t need to make it snow!

What Amelia needs, what Amelia needs is kisses (kiss, kiss), kisses (kiss, kiss)

What Amelia needs, what Amelia needs is kisses (kiss, kiss), kisses (kiss, kiss)

The verses are all made up on the spot, so part of the adult fun is finding rhymes – and the song can go as long as you want as you continue to make up verses. At every (kiss, kiss), you kiss her twice on one cheek, alternating so that she gets 2 kisses on each cheek for each line of the refrain. One of these days I’ll record it so you can hear the tune.

Care to make up a verse or two? I promise I’ll sing them to her!

Sometimes I just watch her sleep February 6, 2009

And now, so can you!

I love it when she nurses in her sleep – it’s my absolute favorite.

Scared Wheatless February 5, 2009

It’s been 2 weeks of yellow poop with little straining, and this would be the time for me to start re-introducing possible allergens back into my diet.  I even bought some shredded wheat, so I could see if wheat bothers her by eating it in the morning – it takes about 4 hours for what I eat to hit my milk, and then another 1-ish hours for that to bug her, one assumes. By eating the possible offender in the morning, I should be able to see if it’s the offender bothering her if she gets fussy, and not just her normal afternoon fussiness busting out.  Babies are hard to experiment with – no wonder we don’t do a lot of clinical trials with them!

Anyhow, I keep putting off the experiment because I don’t want to handle that fussiness any more than I absolutely have to.  Coward mom.

Did I tell you about my recurring nightmare that I eat dairy without realizing it?  I have this nightmare about every 2 nights – I am eating something, get about halfway through, look down and realize… Oh MY GOD!!! I Just Ate Cheese!  What Do I Do??? I Need To Make Myself Throw Up!  WHere’s the Ipecac?  Then lots of running around happens and I wake up.

It’s kind of fucked up that I now have nightmares about eating cheese.

Working from home February 4, 2009

I am stealing time from work to write this.

It never seems like stealing time from work to check my Gmail, reserve a library book, pay bills online, or IM with my pals while at work.  It just seems like a pleasant break from the grind, something that will make me more efficient because I’ll stop worrying about whether we paid the cell phone bill last month.

But because I am sitting on my couch and the baby is ASLEEP, this is prime working time for me, and it’s very guilt-inducing that I am not writing an email right now.

This is how working from home goes, for me:

5-ish am, wake up and frantically put in contacts, pee, and change out of pyjamas as I keep an eye on the baby I left alone in the bed with all sorts of pillows that are just waiting for me to turn my back so that they can suffocate my child.  But we’re supposed to elevate her because of the reflux, so you tell me what I’m supposed to use to do that.  All we have is potentially murderous pillows, so I maintain constant frantic vigilance.  Keyword for the day is: frantic.

5:30 am. nurse Amelia back to sleep, put her in the buzzy chair with a blanket over her. Worry that I overheat my child on a regular basis, also a SIDS no-no. Put her in the pink buzzy chair, which lets her lie straighter and not crunched up into a C like the blue buzzy chair does, but turn on the “womb” sounds of the blue buzzy chair because Tom just discovered that she’ll sleep to that for a long time.

5:35 am, make oatmeal with froz. blueberries, flax meal and brown sugar (no dairy, bah) and eat it as fast as possible.  Take vitamin & probiotic (so I can digest possible allergens better) with water.

5:45 am, pull end table in front of couch and set up work laptop on it.  Set up baby supplies on & around couch: boppy pillow, blanket to tuck under one end of boppy pillow (to incline her as we nurse), 2nd blanket to lay over baby in case she gets cold (and because she sleeps better when warm), spit-up rag, remote control, glass of water, rattle.

6:00 am, start replying to work emails ridiculously early in the day to prove to my bosses that I do indeed work from home and I get up early to do it besides.  Keep eye on kid as I do so – the pink buzzy chair turns off its buzz after 5 minutes and sometimes that wakes her up. Womb sounds also turn themselves off, not sure if on same timing.

7-ish am, change/snuggle/nurse awake baby as I type work emails with one hand and check my gmail.  Read multiple Yahoo mommy group digest emails and dread the day I have to deal with colds, separation anxiety, crawling/walking, etc.

7:30 am, carefully slide sleepy baby onto couch, still propped up on boppy pillow, with blanket over her, and start typing with both hands (heaven!)

8:00-10:00 am, juggle emails and baby.  Don’t answer cell phone while baby is awake because having a crying baby in the background is slightly unprofessional.  Use Skype with headphones to make calls out ONLY while baby is nursing or COMPLETELY asleep.  Roll shoulders back when possible because 2-handed typing over your nursing baby will make your shoulders hurt.

10:30 am, eat a little something if baby will let me

11:00 am, continue to juggle laptop and baby.  Try to calculate how many hours actually worked that morning to see if working after noon (only 5 hours of work from home is needed per day, as I work 10 hour days at work 3 times a week).  Look forward to being able to shut the laptop and just attend to baby.  Start strategizing for this afternoon’s outing (probably doctor’s visit or diaper pickup/dropoff in town).

12:00 pm, decide that even if 5 hours of work were not accomplished, there is no more energy for any more work.  Chill with the kid while watching some DVRed Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares or The Daily Show. Think that you might get an hour or so of work done this afternoon.  (This never happens.)

That is on days that I do NOT have a deadline.  Twice this month I have had a proposal due on a day I work from home, and that’s infinitely more tense.  I will say that I am much more able to work efficiently since I got work to buy me an iPhone so I can email while in the pediatrician’s waiting room – it’s much easier to type one-handed on that little screen, too!

Many days I don’t know if it’s really better for Amelia to have me caring for her with half (or less) of my attention, or if a stranger who was actually able to attend to her full time would do a better job.  I don’t think we can afford a nanny, honestly, and I don’t know a better way to do any of this right now.  She’s what Dr. Sears calls a “high-needs baby,” who hates being put down unless she’s asleep – and frequently will not even let you sit down while holding her if she’s awake.  Hoping the magical age of 4 months (only a month away!) will ease some of this needyness, but what if it doesn’t?