waterworks September 30, 2008

Can I just stop wanting to cry for about 2 hours, do you think?  If I’m not fully in Functional Mode, like at work or while interacting with Normal Society, I am a huge, weepy, unpredictable mess.  Everything sets me off, and there is no reasonableness to the tears.  If I’m not crying, I’ve got so much tension around my jaw that it feels wired shut.

The girl is jumping about and frolicking like a champ – like a champ made of fresh hot popcorn and sunbeams – but all I want to do is find a bottom to the unplumbable sadness in the world.

gah.

ridiculous, hold the sublime September 29, 2008

My midwife had recommended last week that I take some prenatal yoga classes, mostly to get me meeting other pregnant women and stop feeling so fucked up. Sounded like it might help.

I looked up the classes at Yoga Yoga, marked them on my calendar, and finally found time to make it to a class this afternoon. I left with plenty of time, even though I had never been to this studio. I had all my yoga clothes. I had researched the route.

And then I confused Burnet Road and Braker Lane. I travel both of these roads, not often, but often enough. I drive Burnet rather frequently – there are various print shops that I use for work on Burnet, as well as my new favorite Indian restaurant.

By the time I realized that I had taken Braker and not Burnet off of Mopac, it was 20 minutes until the class started – which was not enough time to find the studio, buy a card of ten classes, and change clothes. So I just headed home and went grocery shopping instead.

These are the moments that I feel completely unqualified to be a mother. I’ve lived in Austin for over 3 years now. I should be able to find my way to a yoga studio located just 10 minutes from my office after looking up the route on Google Maps. The only thing keeping my fingernails on that last shred of sanity is the shaky belief that this is still the hormones working. That, and the rather less dramatic realization that getting lost in my own backyard is not the worst thing that could have happened to me today,

Fine Fine Fine September 28, 2008

This classic vegetarian entree is available at Maya Restaurant in Cuero, TX.

Just spent two days in lovely Cuero, Texas, where my father-in-law lives, to attend the 100 year anniversary of his Lutheran church and spend some time with family. I enjoy seeing Dad and all the family, but I have to say that the comestible options in Cuero are HORRENDOUS and I’m glad to be home in the land of fresh vegetables and unprocessed foods

Because so few people have seen me there since July, I spent a lot of time updating people on the pregnancy… folks are so excited to see a big belly, and of course ask about my health. Invariably, my answer is “Just great!” with a big, confident grin, which is pathetically ironic because I’ve spent the last 2 weeks being SO hormonal and achey and generally grouchy.

A friend who was pregnant last year joked to me once about how she’d like to answer the Health Question: “Oh, pretty constipated, and my genitals are really swollen – not to mention the hemorrhoids! – and I cry during Geico commercials… so, you know, fine!” It’s understandable to me why people ask – what else is there to say, really? – and yet it’s such a hypocrisy trap. That being said, I’m sure I’ll do it too, when I’m freed of the Belly.

The mural September 24, 2008

Our nursery mural is complete!  And I couldn’t be happier – check it out:

before

full mural

remote closeup

closeup of PawPaw Fairy

Charlotte Jo is the artist, and all we gave her was the concept – all designs are hers.  For the record, she also sings, writes songs, drums, plays guitar, and cuts great hair.

We wanted airplanes for Amelia (the Earhart connection, of course), and I also wanted some fantasy mixed in with the technology – both sides of where the imagination can take you, available to our little one.

The sky’s the limit!

Ya! September 23, 2008

I have found myself obsessing on “enough.” Am I getting ENOUGH protein, ENOUGH fiber? Am I getting ENOUGH done around the house?  Am I getting ENOUGH exercise?  (Definitely not.)  Am I resting ENOUGH?  Are Tom and I talking ENOUGH?  Am I reading ENOUGH?  (Not usually a worry of mine.)  Are our finances going to be prepared ENOUGH?  Did I get ENOUGH done at work today?

I am constantly worried that the answer to any and all of these questions is no.  And while I understand in (what’s left of) my brain that everything I’m doing probably is enough, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m wrong.  There must be, the feeling says, something more that I should be doing, if I only knew what it was and could manage to do it.

In Spanish, at least Mexican Spanish, there are a number of words to communicate this concept of “enough”:  there is suficiente, roughly meaning “sufficient;” there is also ya or basta, as in “Enough!  Stop!  Quit!”  A very parentesque thing to do in Mexico is to tell your kid “Ya!” when he or she is doing something annoying or inappropriate.  You hear it a lot from teachers, in fact.

Perhaps I can alter my English understanding of the word “enough?”  Because I have it on good authority that I have never felt, in my whole life, that anything I have ever done has been “enough.” And this parenting thing seems to be a huge gaping black hole of enough-ness.

In fact, I wonder if there’s a “too much” warning buzzer built in anywhere?

oy September 22, 2008

I need to whine a little:

My pelvis, which is expanding so as to Make Room For Baby, is just killing me. I don’t mind it getting bigger (though honestly I can’t imagine needing wider hips than Nature already gave me), but does it freaking have to hurt all the stupid time? Grsch.

Also, I can’t seem to eat enough. I’ll have lunch and then an hour later I’m starving, so I have a snack of cottage cheese or yogurt (and I’m talking a substantial-sized bowl of either) and 90 minutes later I’m starving again. It’s ridiculous.

OK, now I need to brag:

Charlotte is finishing our Kick-Ass Mural today, and I can’t wait to get home to see the results! We also hired her to paint the whole nursery, which she did on Saturday, and help Tom with some heavy lifting. I’m thinking I need to cut back on the heavy stuff, as my sciatic nerve has been chirping at me. And now all of the furniture we didn’t want is out of the house!

Tom tiled the laundry closet, which required moving the small fridge and stacked washer/dryer out of it. Before and after pics below.

Before

After

He also plumbed in the portable dishwasher – yes they still make those – to the laundry closet, so now we have a working dishwasher again (when we put a new faucet in the kitchen, the little water hookup thing wouldn’t attach). Hopefully, now that our water system is using LCRA water instead of well water, the dishwasher will work better than it did.

Now our entire kitchen floor is tiled, and we’re all set up to wash diapers and bottles with impunity! All extraneous furniture has been banished from the premises! By the end of the day, the nursery will be completely painted and sporting a Work Of Art especially created for Miss Amelia! Progress, my dear reader, is not to be scoffed at.

No one cares what you had for lunch September 21, 2008

In the same vein, it’s likely that no one cares how cute my cat Spike is when he sleeps on his back, but here’s some photos anyway.  If it’s true that pets are your kids until you have kids and then they’re just pets, then the boys sure better enjoy all the loving we give them now while it lasts.

PS – I made a beef & barley stew for lunch.  It was really delicious.

cross your fingers September 19, 2008

We’re set up to do a shitload of work at the house this weekend.

We’ve arranged for a friend to come over and help Tom move a whole bunch of heavy furniture around, and then paint the nursery and paint a mural in the nursery.  I don’t want to spoil the theme of the mural, because I want to unveil it to the internet in a grand gesture, but here’s a teaser:  our mural will feature a juxtaposition of fantasy and technology.  Hmmm?  Intruigued?

I’m showing off my belly today, wearing a tight top.  I really never do this at work, but today I just figured what the hell.  So many maternity tops make me feel like I’m wearing drapes… but anyway.

The kid’s growth spurt persists, and I am invariably hungry every 2 hours on the hour.  Luckily I have a friend who’s a Luna Chick, and I have a whole office drawer of Luna Bar samples to get me through those 20 vital minutes between “I’m starving!” and “I’m eating!”  I swear I think I’ve gone through two 24 oz. containers of cottage cheese and three 24 oz tubs of nonfat plain yogurt in the last 5 days.  I may be the one person keeping the entire nonfat dairy industry afloat in these difficult financial times – everyone be ready to pick up the slack in January!

worth a thousand September 18, 2008

My friend Becky is part of Team in Training this year, a fundraising group for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  She is raising $4000 for the group this year, and one of her fundraisers with her friend Kerri McLaughlin was to have Kerri’s husband Dave, crack professional photographer, offer photo shoots for $50 per 20-minute session.

Dave’s excellent photography can be found at his blog, but here are some of my favorite shots he did for us:

it never rains September 15, 2008

….. but it pours!

Hotel Living Room

While Ike gave some serious hurting to Houston, it didn’t touch us here in Austin – not even with any rain, which we really, really need. Dumb old hurricanes, destroying major US cities and hoarding rain. While friends and relatives rode out the storm just fine, the aftermath of no power (air conditioning, cooked food, gas stations, hot water, ATMs) and widespread chaos led some of Tom’s family to spend at least Saturday night with us.

We have a guest room-slash-office with one double bed, but when more than one evacuee stays in our household, someone gets to sleep on a futon that we install in the living room just for the occasion. Fancy stuff! On the other hand, the cats love it so much we might even consider keeping it there until the year’s up!

out with the old

The other consequential thing that happened this weekend was that on Sunday morning I realized that it wasn’t just hormones that made the shower seem lukewarm on Saturday – our hot water heater died. Friends had bought us tickets to that evening’s John Hiatt concert, so we were working against a deadline.

in with the new

Tom did an amazing job: he pulled out the old heater (which had been installed in our house by the builder in such a way as to require one to cut all pipes to remove it) and installed the new one we bought, all in less than 7 hours. While it was a hectic way to replace this appliance – which we know now was on its last legs for a long time – I’m sure glad this didn’t happen when we were trying to fill the birthing tub in December. We even had half an hour to relax before we had to leave for the concert!

This is a great man, this guy that I married and that I love so much. I can not imagine being on this crazed journey without him, and he enriches my life every day. Today is his birthday, and I’ve never been so happy something happened in 1968. Happy birthday, darling!